Need to keep moving forward

I’m working from home today.  Or trying to.  The weather is grey and so is my mood.  I don’t really give a flying fick about my looming deadlines.  It’s just occurred to me that I’ve forgotten (again) to take my neomercazole so I’ll do that now.  Still on 2 x 5mg per day.  I’ve got a little bit of pain in my hands and I can feel the racing pulse in my carotid as I sit here, which might be real or might be psychosomatic at this point.  I can’t really tell anymore.  I’m due for a blood test towards the end of next week and this time the focus will be on those pesky little antibodies.  Hopefully, they are being kept at bay.

Despite my new found energy (today doesn’t count) and my exercise regimen and watching my nutrition, I haven’t lost any weight at all.  I feel like a big lumpy lump.  My arms and thighs are especially fleshy which I guess is because these are large muscles that have lost the most tone.  I’m the Pillsbury Dough Girl.  I also feel excessively hormonal…bloated, twingy pain, CRANKY.  Lucky I am able to avoid other humans when I have to.

Now I know things aren’t has bad for me as for many other people (especially people close to me) but I have to let the self pity and whining out here…no one wants to see that or hear that in the real (non cyber) world.  I would open a bottle of wine for myself if the neomercazole hadn’t taken away that pleasure ( I feel ‘off’ long before I feel drunk).  People tell me to meditate but I have tried a millions times and I CANNOT.  It just makes me more, not less stressed because my mind doesn’t work that way.  I tried anti-depressants for a while but they gave me excruciating headaches.  I’d love to be one of those super laid back, take it as it comes types…but then I wouldn’t fit the Graves profile.

I suppose Graves is a journey of up and down days.  This is one of the down days.  I can’t really share how I’m feeling with anyone at the moment…my family has got bigger problems right now!  And I’ve deliberately kept my condition a secret from my new workplace…don’t want to be (again) the ‘new girl with the issues’.

Ho bloody hum, right?
Ok…back to the real world.