The Surreal Life

Firstly, I really want to say thankyou to the people who read this blog.  I really hope it has given my readers some information or perspective on Graves they’ve found helpful.  It helps me to write it. It was interesting to see that the biggest day ever for traffic on this blog was New Year’s Eve.  Are we all looking for a fresh start?  A new beginning?

Thankyou to Rob and Cheryl for checking in on me.  It’s nice to be thought about and it helps me want to write.  I hope you are both doing well.

For the past few weeks I haven’t known what to say.  Having Graves has taken a back seat for the moment.  I’m still taking my meds (despite Oprah saying she no longer takes anything for her ‘thyroid condition’ which she did not name).  I’m with you on that one Cheryl…I’m on the side of science.  And never more so than now.

Surgery is scheduled for the afternoon of the 19th.  I’m having a lumpectomy, a sentinel node biopsy and if required, an axillary dissection.  Hopefully will be out of hospital the next day or soon thereafter (I know a lot of women go home the same day but my doctor believes in a good night’s rest in hospital).  I’ll definitely need to do radiotherapy, with chemo a 50/50 chance pending the post-op pathology.  They tell me that because I am under 40, the cancer is likely to have more aggressive characteristics (albeit early stages) and therefore the current medical preference is to treat it aggressively.  We shall see.

I’ve got good docs on the case but still it’s difficult to give your life over just like that.  What I mean is, doing what I’m told…being patient…taking things one day at a time.  I’m not good at any of those things.

I hasten to add I don’t feel sick.  As I said in a comment, before I was diagnosed and treated with Graves I was much, much more physically (and mentally!) ill.  The physical symptoms of untreated Graves were almost unbearable.  Right now I feel fine except that there is a rock hard little nugget (completely painless) in the lower right quadrant of my right breast.  And I’m nervous about the operation itself…I am a total pain wimp!  Hopefully they will give me the ‘good stuff’ afterwards.

In terms of the practical things in life, work is being very understanding.  Despite not being there long, everyone I’ve told has been really helpful and supporting.  My boss is keen to work my role around whatever treatment I’ll need.  I’ve been getting some really great client and company feedback later so I really want to be able to build on that, and they do too. 

Because of my sister’s illness, my parents had already made the decision to move closer…they moved into their new house this week.  Probably the hardest part of this whole thing was telling my parents and my sisters that I had breast cancer.  Two daughters with cancer (unrelated, completely different cancers) is a lot for a family to bear.  Luckily they will be able to help me before and after surgery…I live alone and won’t be able to drive for a week or so. 

And it’s amazing too how people react.  Of course, very few people know about Graves so when you tell them they tend to look at you blankly…although I did get a massage last week because of bad back pain and the male therapist not only knew about Graves but knew details…I’ll go back to him for sure!  Ironically, he did chide me a little saying…”People with Graves are supposed to avoid stress.  Isn’t your job pretty stressful?”.  I didn’t mention the cancer to him because I really really wanted the massage and didn’t want him turning me away for lack of a Doctor’s note! 

When you mention the ‘C’ word, people either downplay the significance of it…”Oh you’ll be fine and back on board in no time” or they get very afraid.  I’ve got one close friend who can barely speak to me or she’s in tears and another who broke down sobbing when I told her over a cappuccino.  This despite the fact that the chance of ‘cure’ is something like 98%.

It all still seems quite surreal and I think will be until I’m in that hospital gown on Monday.  My sister and I have been joking about me having to borrow the ugly wig she bought during her chemo.  It’s not that funny really, but what else can you do?   The wig really is ugly.

So thats whats going on with me.  I’m ok apart from being really tired.  My breast is sore but only because everyone keeps poking me (professionally of course).  Will be glad when this chapter is done and will be back here in a week or so to whinge and moan about the surgery.  It’s a shame about that part because the hospital I’m going to is a super posh private place where I can order wine and a pedicure if I really want to.  You could almost convince yourself you’re at a nice hotel except for the pain, stitches and drains part! 

R xo