Graves takes all the fun out of being an alcoholic

People have asked me….’Can you drink alcohol while taking neomercazole (carbimazole)?’

As far as I know, the answer is ‘yes’. Is it as much fun? As far as my experience goes, the answer is ‘no’. For some reason, ever since I’ve been medicated for Graves, I just can’t push the alcohol boat out as far as I used to. After 2 or 3 drinks I’m just ‘done’. Not drunk, just not interested in drinking. It’s like my brain turns off from the experience or maybe my body doesn’t want to process it.

I’m sure some people are horrified that I might want to drink more in a way that sounds irresponsible (by the way kids, drink responsibly!)…do I sound like an alcoholic? Well I definitely inherited the family gene for overindulgence which in some previous generations has manifested itself as alcohol abuse. I used to have a cast iron liver and work in an industry where drinking is part of your career progression plan! My family are all ‘party people’.

But these days I’m the one sitting there at 11pm, tapping her toe and looking at her watch. In fact that was me last night. It’s the morning after my office Christmas party and I’m the only one around here not sick or in self-inflicted pain. Thats good I suppose…but it begs a more fundamental question. Has Graves made me boring?

Need to keep moving forward

I’m working from home today.  Or trying to.  The weather is grey and so is my mood.  I don’t really give a flying fick about my looming deadlines.  It’s just occurred to me that I’ve forgotten (again) to take my neomercazole so I’ll do that now.  Still on 2 x 5mg per day.  I’ve got a little bit of pain in my hands and I can feel the racing pulse in my carotid as I sit here, which might be real or might be psychosomatic at this point.  I can’t really tell anymore.  I’m due for a blood test towards the end of next week and this time the focus will be on those pesky little antibodies.  Hopefully, they are being kept at bay.

Despite my new found energy (today doesn’t count) and my exercise regimen and watching my nutrition, I haven’t lost any weight at all.  I feel like a big lumpy lump.  My arms and thighs are especially fleshy which I guess is because these are large muscles that have lost the most tone.  I’m the Pillsbury Dough Girl.  I also feel excessively hormonal…bloated, twingy pain, CRANKY.  Lucky I am able to avoid other humans when I have to.

Now I know things aren’t has bad for me as for many other people (especially people close to me) but I have to let the self pity and whining out here…no one wants to see that or hear that in the real (non cyber) world.  I would open a bottle of wine for myself if the neomercazole hadn’t taken away that pleasure ( I feel ‘off’ long before I feel drunk).  People tell me to meditate but I have tried a millions times and I CANNOT.  It just makes me more, not less stressed because my mind doesn’t work that way.  I tried anti-depressants for a while but they gave me excruciating headaches.  I’d love to be one of those super laid back, take it as it comes types…but then I wouldn’t fit the Graves profile.

I suppose Graves is a journey of up and down days.  This is one of the down days.  I can’t really share how I’m feeling with anyone at the moment…my family has got bigger problems right now!  And I’ve deliberately kept my condition a secret from my new workplace…don’t want to be (again) the ‘new girl with the issues’.

Ho bloody hum, right?
Ok…back to the real world.

Alcohol is the devil

I succumbed to peer pressure last night and had maybe three glasses of wine. Thats a lot less than I would normally drink on a typical Friday night work related binge but I’m certainly feeling the after effects. Woke early and have no change of going back to sleep. Of course I forgot to take my neomercazole last night too. I thought a glass of wine at the end of a long and emotional week would be just the ticket. Funny then how this mornng I just feel kind of ….blech!

The theme for the coming week is ‘tests’. My sister has more tests and is facing surgery as soon as possible to remove the suspicious lesion. My next blood test has to be taken by end of the week. And I’ve been asked to take on online test to show aptitude etc. Sort of a psych evaluation (yeah, good freakin’ luck!) as part of my job application to a big, big company.

I find that kind of bizarre and interesting all at the same time. And I really want the job. The role is great, pay and conditions are good….but best of all, it’s based less than ten minutes from my new apartment and work hours are 8.30-4.30 AND you can work from home one day a week. Sweet! Obviously being able to get a bit of that elusive work/life balance happening would only help my Grave’s recovery. Wish me luck!

The other shoe drops

I’ve been feeling better this week, a lot better. I’m still having one cup of tea in the mornings but the strong, long cappucinos are on hold. I’m not missing alcohol at all and I thought I would. Tonight I was at a work function and on the way home I thought about how much better I feel without that slightly ill, dizzy, tipsy feeling. So thats all good and I’m glad.

But now the focus goes elsewhere. I thought I was having a bad week on Saturday when the nice Japanese lady drove her car into and nearly through my passenger car door. Ok…it’s just a car and I can take the bus for a few weeks while they fix it. But yesterday my other sister confirmed her fears that the cancer she’s been battling for the past three years, is back. Shit. So despite the disfiguring surgery and the stomach churning chemo, the cancer is back. Double shit. They’re planning surgery for her late next week. More scars, but hopefully this tumour will also be self contained. And then what?

Hmnn….

In meetings all day today but the Doc left a message to say the test results weren’t as good as hoped for. She said she would call me tomorrow to discuss the ‘implications’ but essentially I have to maintain the higher drug dose until further notice. I’m wondering if ‘implications’ are things like quitting coffee and alcohol and hopefully winning lotto so I can quit my job?

More tomorrow I guess.