Graves takes all the fun out of being an alcoholic

People have asked me….’Can you drink alcohol while taking neomercazole (carbimazole)?’

As far as I know, the answer is ‘yes’. Is it as much fun? As far as my experience goes, the answer is ‘no’. For some reason, ever since I’ve been medicated for Graves, I just can’t push the alcohol boat out as far as I used to. After 2 or 3 drinks I’m just ‘done’. Not drunk, just not interested in drinking. It’s like my brain turns off from the experience or maybe my body doesn’t want to process it.

I’m sure some people are horrified that I might want to drink more in a way that sounds irresponsible (by the way kids, drink responsibly!)…do I sound like an alcoholic? Well I definitely inherited the family gene for overindulgence which in some previous generations has manifested itself as alcohol abuse. I used to have a cast iron liver and work in an industry where drinking is part of your career progression plan! My family are all ‘party people’.

But these days I’m the one sitting there at 11pm, tapping her toe and looking at her watch. In fact that was me last night. It’s the morning after my office Christmas party and I’m the only one around here not sick or in self-inflicted pain. Thats good I suppose…but it begs a more fundamental question. Has Graves made me boring?

Need to keep moving forward

I’m working from home today.  Or trying to.  The weather is grey and so is my mood.  I don’t really give a flying fick about my looming deadlines.  It’s just occurred to me that I’ve forgotten (again) to take my neomercazole so I’ll do that now.  Still on 2 x 5mg per day.  I’ve got a little bit of pain in my hands and I can feel the racing pulse in my carotid as I sit here, which might be real or might be psychosomatic at this point.  I can’t really tell anymore.  I’m due for a blood test towards the end of next week and this time the focus will be on those pesky little antibodies.  Hopefully, they are being kept at bay.

Despite my new found energy (today doesn’t count) and my exercise regimen and watching my nutrition, I haven’t lost any weight at all.  I feel like a big lumpy lump.  My arms and thighs are especially fleshy which I guess is because these are large muscles that have lost the most tone.  I’m the Pillsbury Dough Girl.  I also feel excessively hormonal…bloated, twingy pain, CRANKY.  Lucky I am able to avoid other humans when I have to.

Now I know things aren’t has bad for me as for many other people (especially people close to me) but I have to let the self pity and whining out here…no one wants to see that or hear that in the real (non cyber) world.  I would open a bottle of wine for myself if the neomercazole hadn’t taken away that pleasure ( I feel ‘off’ long before I feel drunk).  People tell me to meditate but I have tried a millions times and I CANNOT.  It just makes me more, not less stressed because my mind doesn’t work that way.  I tried anti-depressants for a while but they gave me excruciating headaches.  I’d love to be one of those super laid back, take it as it comes types…but then I wouldn’t fit the Graves profile.

I suppose Graves is a journey of up and down days.  This is one of the down days.  I can’t really share how I’m feeling with anyone at the moment…my family has got bigger problems right now!  And I’ve deliberately kept my condition a secret from my new workplace…don’t want to be (again) the ‘new girl with the issues’.

Ho bloody hum, right?
Ok…back to the real world.

DIY Graves treatment?

I wonder about those people who say they’ve ‘cured’ themselves of Graves without any kind of medical or surgical intervention. What do they know that I don’t? Does anyone know?

As I understand it, there is no ‘cure’ for Graves, only treatment and hopefully, remission. I know I can help myself by being careful about things like diet (limit iodine and stimulants) and stress. But I also know that if I’d waited for those things to work, and eschewed medication I’d be in a bad bad way by now. If I was still here at all!

By the time my Graves was diagnosed I’d obviously had it for some time and was ‘highly symptomatic’, even more than my blood work would suggest. My anxiety levels were ruining my life – relationships were difficult, work was a horror. The pain in my muscles (especially my arms and my hands) was indescribable. And of course the heart palpitations were really scary. And I almost never slept. I just can’t imagine wanting to self-treat under those circumstances. Of course when I was diagnosed I read everything I could find on the implications of treatment and not being treated. My conclusion? Bring on the meds for me!

I think the greatest challenge for me in the next couple of months is going to be maintaining a healthier, less stressful lifestyle. It’d be easy to fall back into the trap of being Superwoman again, while I’m feeling so much better.

My new mantra (repeat after me)…”Good enough is ok most of the time.”

“Go home on time” is my other new philosophy.

And so to bed.

Back in the land of the living

Have just finished a week at my new job. And who would have thought it? Everyone has been really nice, really welcoming. No ‘issues’ or ‘attitude’ like the people at my last job. I’m ‘in training’ so haven’t yet been placed under pressure but so far, so good. In fact, in some respects, it feels like they are trying to impress me. Nothing seems too much trouble for them, they’re keen to be social, people laugh in the office etc. My boss is very ‘naughty’ and un-PC (which I appreciate) and his team all seem to have genuine affection for each other. I’m really pleased I accepted the role and looking forward to getting into some ‘real’ work and becoming part of the fabric of the workplace. It feels good.

I’ve not had too many Graves symptoms either this week. A few heart flips perhaps. I was remembering how my left hand used to be in an arthritic type pain almost constantly… that seems to have diminished to almost nothing. I’m sleeping pretty well…even my kitteh was up before me this morning (she’s an odd’un in that she doesn’t wake me and likes to sleep in until 11ish most days). I feel like my mind is more clear and I’m able to just…get stuff done. But…I’ve been really bad at managing my eating and haven’t done any significant exercise at all. Ah well…I’ve made an appointment with a trainer for Monday and told her I need help ‘getting strong’. I wore a mid sized heel this week…first time in ages…and I spent most of the day being completely paranoid because I don’t feel like my knees are being supported by my muscles and I’m terrified of injury. Once I start with weights I should regain some confidence I hope! She’s going to monitor my diet as well. I definitely need someone to help me find motivation as I don’t think I can use Graves much longer as the excuse (feeling too ‘normal’ for that to be true!). A male friend has challenged me to get healthy and lose weight before Christmas (and of course, for men, everything has to be competitive). As I remember it, there’s nothing in the rules that says I can’t hire help! And there’s a $150 voucher at the end of this that I want to win (even though I realise I’m going to spend a LOT more than that on the process but thats not the point…).

This week I learned I’ve been nominated for some industry awards based on some past projects…very cool! I’m not taking it too seriously but it will be fun to dress up for the dinner when they announce the winners later this year. It’s interesting…I did the work in the period when I was suffering the worst symptoms of Graves, although at the time I didn’t know that was what I was experiencing. Here’s hoping that now things are under control, I still have those little flashes of creative genius!

New day, new job

I start my new job in the morning. Perversely, I’m kind of looking forward to it. I’ve enjoyed having two weeks off but I’m not really the type to sit around at home. As I understand things, Graves disease sufferers tend to be a ‘type’. You know…too much to do, too little time. Super women (and men sometimes).

Ah well, must get to bed so I can be fresh as a daisy! Wish me luck!

Can’t have a simple sore throat anymore!

Yesterday I woke feeling a little…off. And as the day went by I could feel the telltate signs of a head cold coming on. Woke up at 3am this morning with a throat that felt like I’d been swallowing razor blades. So…bearing in mind the warnings of my Dr., rang her office as early as I could. I sort of assumed she’d say something like “See how you feel tomorrow” but no. Turns out they take this sore throat thing very seriously. I had to go get a full blood test as soon as possible and make sure they process it urgently. This is to check there’s nothing funny going on with my white blood cells. So currently waiting on results which should be back in the next hour or so. Of course in waiting I’m feeling better – throat feeling a little better, no fever. Really tired but then I didn’t sleep well. Work is not thrilled I’m off sick…especially as I only have a week to go and I’m done with them (yay!).

I’m also having some intense tingling in my left hand that seems to have started at the same time as my increase in meds. When I talk to the Dr later I’ll ask them what they think this is. My GP looked up drug interactions but couldn’t find it so hopefully the endo will know more.

OMG all the dramz! Ready for a holiday.

Deja vu all over again

New blood test back and a call from my endocronologist. “No change”. I mean…what? Despite increasing the dose from 2 up to 3 x 5mg carbimazole per day…no change. My T3 is still too high and is exactly the same as 6 weeks prior. So the doctor describes me as a puzzle and has asked me to go up to 5 tablets per day. Now most of the time, the dose is decreased…not increased! Can T3 toxicosis be resistant to drug treatment?

Meanwhile, I still get heart palpitations from time to time, but not as often as before. I still have trouble sleeping but always have had. And my muscles are sore and my skin is itchy. I guess I should have anticipated a set back.

Another month, another blood test, and another doctor visit at the end of it. Sheesh!

And also by then, a new job which I’m looking forward to. Hopefully, a change of scene will do some positive things for my health. I mean…c’mon!

Turning around

So lots and lots has happened since my last post.  Almost too much to tell.  But here’s some of it.

My sister has had surgery to remove two malignant tumours.  After a week in hospital, she’s now home, still in remarkable spirits for someone who has been through so much.

With that and a lot of pressure at work, there’s been days I’ve forgotten to take my meds and I’m getting heart palpitations intermittently.  Still much better than before.  I do think I’m beginning to chunk up a bit though.  Could really do without that part.  Guess I will have to be really really careful about eating.  Finding that I still can’t really drink alcohol.  Even two glasses makes me feel quite ill.  And still keeping caffeine consumption low although allowing myself the off cup of tea here and there.  Next blood test is next week.

And today I was offered a new job with great pay, conditions and they seem to be a really cool group of people with a lot of empathy for their staff.  I’m considering things over the weekend but more than likely I’ll accept and be able to put my current job situation behind me.  With a new sense of strength I can see even more clearly that being there in the first place was the wrong move and not just because it coincided with my diagnosis at the height of my symptoms.

I read somewhere this week that the singer, Toni Childs (not my musical cup of tea), suffers with Graves disease and she had a ten year ‘break’ in order to recover.  In the article she said that she had to change her whole life.  It really brought home to me the need to take this disease seriously as the ramifications can be far reaching not just for the sufferer but their friends and family too.

Alcohol is the devil

I succumbed to peer pressure last night and had maybe three glasses of wine. Thats a lot less than I would normally drink on a typical Friday night work related binge but I’m certainly feeling the after effects. Woke early and have no change of going back to sleep. Of course I forgot to take my neomercazole last night too. I thought a glass of wine at the end of a long and emotional week would be just the ticket. Funny then how this mornng I just feel kind of ….blech!

The theme for the coming week is ‘tests’. My sister has more tests and is facing surgery as soon as possible to remove the suspicious lesion. My next blood test has to be taken by end of the week. And I’ve been asked to take on online test to show aptitude etc. Sort of a psych evaluation (yeah, good freakin’ luck!) as part of my job application to a big, big company.

I find that kind of bizarre and interesting all at the same time. And I really want the job. The role is great, pay and conditions are good….but best of all, it’s based less than ten minutes from my new apartment and work hours are 8.30-4.30 AND you can work from home one day a week. Sweet! Obviously being able to get a bit of that elusive work/life balance happening would only help my Grave’s recovery. Wish me luck!

Caffeine withdrawal is for sissies

I was dreading this part…giving up caffeine. Many years ago I attended a detox ‘retreat’ and my caffeine withdrawal was so bad I wanted to murder someone. I never did go back up to my caffeine drinking heights so this time around I’m not feeling soooo bad. Yesterday I made it through with only one weak cappucino and got a little bit headachy later in the afternoon…but survived. Today I had a cup of tea and a really weak instant coffee and didn’t miss a hot drink the afternoon. And today I probably felt better than I have in a very long time. I even made lists of tasks at work…and crossed some off. I wonder if the increased dose of carbimazole has kicked in already?

Looking forward to crossing work off but trying not to make rash / graves generated decisions. Caught up with my old boss and he helped me see a way forward and it highlighted to me how I’ve let my confidence break over this disease and trying to keep everyone else happy. I’m biding my time….